There’s hardly a dweller in the Mountain West who doesn’t vacate at some time during spring mud season. Sometimes it’s just an afternoon trip down the hill to get your feet on some steady turf. Or you can have the trip of lifetime and travel only 300 miles. Note that “trip of a lifetime” can be a good or bad thing.
1) Got Prozac?
If your spring travel plans mandate that you rub elbows with cheery people, you’re doing well to remain in the Mountain West, where only one city ranked in the top half of Travel + Leisure’s top-20 rudest cities for 2012. The Phoenix-Scottsdale area got tagged at No. 8 due to crabby locals. Evidently this edginess is due to snowbirds filling their space just as the weather gets nice enough to go outside. Three-time champion Los Angeles lost its spot to New York City this year, so we’re wondering if folks in L.A., now in fourth place, will get pissed off enough about that to reclaim their title in 2013. Other non-friendly spots in the top-10 include Miami, No. 2; Washington, D.C., No. 3; Boston, No. 5; and Dallas-Ft. Worth, No. 6. Las Vegas managed a semi-respectable 12th place, Seattle for some odd reason came in at 17th, San Diego in 19th, and — get this — Salt Lake City was 20th. FYI: You should know that T + L listed Vegas No. 8 for the worst drivers in the country, with Phoenix-Scottsdale at No. 10.
2) Gas pains
These days most people would rather go to hell than the gas pump. Spring travel usually has a lot to do with gasoline, unless you’re hitchhiking, teleporting or just staying on the couch and taking hallucinogenic drugs. We digress. As of Feb. 28, these were some of the prices found in the West: Colorado Springs, $3.11; Salt Lake City, $3.21; Santa Fe, $3.40; Phoenix, $3.79; Seattle, $3.99; and Santa Barbara, $4.40. The lowest price we found was at the Gasamat at Elk Street and Elias Avenue in Rock Springs, Wyoming, where a gallon put you back a scant $2.89. The U.S. average was $3.68.
3) Beats airport pat-downs
In the name of keeping it together, we’re not recommending the first teleporters to come off the assembly line. But if you’re looking for fast travel into another dimension (or just Rock Springs, for that matter) for your spring travels of the future, consider that quantum physicists at the University of California at Santa Barbara have developed a rudimentary teleportation device. In basic terms, it means that an object you can see in front of you may exist simultaneously in a parallel universe — a multi-state condition. See previous entry about hallucinogenic drugs.
4) What happens in these places
One of the absolute worst things to happen during spring travel is to arrive at a destination, only to find it is listed among the top places in the United States for illicit drug use. To help your planning, you should know that Iowa has the lowest rate of marijuana use (3.8 percent), while the District of Columbia, oddly enough, has the highest reported cocaine-use rate at 5.1 percent within the previous year. Closer to home, you need to know that it is not California causing all the problems, but rather, Colorado. A handy study we found from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration of Department of Health and Human Services showed that a full 10.96 percent of Colorado residents over age 12 had used drugs within the previous month. That compares to 9.1 percent in California, 6.43 percent in Utah, 8.6 percent in Wyoming and 10.2 percent in Washington.
5) So many choices
The lead-in goes like this: “Would you rather eat ice cream that’s been sprinkled with dead bugs, or have a photo of yourself being disemboweled by aliens?” Portland’s Freakybuttrue Peculiarium Museum, established in April 2011, has a little something for everyone. We don’t know about you, but it’s on our short list of Spring Travel stops. There were rumors about a new exhibit on spontaneous human combustion, as well as one entitled “Star Wars fan, Star Trek fan fight to the death.” Does that mean both of them die?
6) A little dirt to clean you out
Three-hundred-thousand people can’t be wrong. Now, we can’t say that number of annual visitors have been healed by the famous dirt of El Posito, the sacred sand pit housed in El Santuario de Chimayo. But we have to say, the place known as the Lourdes of America has an eerie but good feel to it. Tons of people have attested to instant cures to incurable diseases after visiting the shrine and handling the dirt (one room is stacked with braces and crutches that have been cast aside). And if you’re not in need of a miracle, you can still go home with a refrigerator magnet from the nearby gift shop.
7) But it feels good, really
With spas becoming big business in destination travel, the things they offer have gotten substantially weirder/decadent in recent years. For example, if you want to add a plane ticket to the cost, you can travel to a spa in Israel that specializes in snake massages — letting the cool serpents slither over your tired muscles. If reptiles aren’t your thing, there’s a spa in New York that will give you a $180 facial with sanitized nightingale dung. Closer to home, you can travel to Santa Fe’s Eldorado Hotel, where a 24-karat facial (using a sheet of liquid gold) will erase fine lines and tighten your skin. It will make your wallet a bit looser, however — the cost is $475.
Tara Flanagan splits her time between Boulder and Breckenridge.