Food glorious food
By Cam Burns |
| Mountain House |
 |
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| Cache Lake |
Many meals are labeled “no cook,” which is incorrect (the definition of cooking is roughly “to prepare food for eating through the application of heat”): Most need to be heated (and moistened) before you’d want to eat them. What “no cook” means, really, is (after a dousing of hot water) — an instant meal. But you still need to lug your stove and fuel in to get them all hot and wet (the Fingerlite stove from MSR is a friendly choice).
I make this distinction about the “no cook” range of products simply because there are many firms out there also manufacturing self-heating meals, which don’t require a stove (but which are, obviously, commensurately heavy).
The single most important thing, however, is how the stuff tastes — or as the Señor Yankovic ditty goes: “Just eat it.” The best thing to do is buy a heap of nosh and do your own test run. We took a few firms’ provisions into our Mountain Gazette Test-Kitchen and got fed up. All the firms listed here offer great eatin’, and the best thing is the empty packaging can be used to carry out human waste. Here are our notes:
Mountain House
Mountain House’s cuisine-artists make a broad selection of very edible stuff (and like all packfood, it looks a bit pre-masticated). It comes in sturdy, foil/polyester sacks designed for heating and dipping your lower face into. Mountain House also offers Pro Packs — designed for solo-types, who want to play only with themselves. And, the firm sells a boring-for-us-pyro-types Flameless Heating Kit ($11.99), capable of cooking five meals. Our top-three Mountain House picks include:
• Beef Patties and Mashed Potatoes with Cheese & Broccoli (4 ounces; makes two servings; $7.99): Mm-mm good! Great on its own or drizzled with human blood.
• Scrambled Eggs with Bacon (precooked) (2.3 ounces; makes one serving; $4.49): With a six-pack of lager, makes a perfectly nutritious morning meal. More please!
• Raspberry Crumble (5.2 ounces; makes four servings; $5.99): My preparation was a bit haphazard and it looked like a pie cooked by cows; tasted effing fabulous, however. www.mountainhouse.com
Alpine Aire
Likewise, Alpine Aire’s line comes in sturdy stand-up “metalized”-mylar film pouches, meaning the Neanderthal crowd can achieve epicurean heights with minimal brain volume. AA’s repasts are highly evolved adult fare — think modern bistro versus sloppy ’50s diner-food. Alpine Aire also has a delicious Inferno line: self-heaters that require only a splash of water (12 ounces a carry). Warning: Don’t huck unused heaters into the trash. If they contact water, they’ll send the fire department scrambling (they are, however, extremely fun to toss in the neighbor’s pool when his lame-ass party gets too loud). Our three big Alpine Aire picks include:
• Forever Young Macaroni and Cheese (7 ounces; makes two servings; $5.76): You can eat this terrific dish or use it as a skin cream — hence the name.
• Beef Rotini (6.5 ounces; makes two servings; $6.81): Super! A scratch-n-sniff label would be a nice addition.
• Oriental Style Chicken Salad with Crackers (6 ounces; makes two servings; $6.49): Fed it to the kids. They tossed their biscuits, but they sure gobbled up the rest of this mouth-watering treat. www.tyry.com
Backpacker’s Pantry
Backpacker’s Pantry makes highly chowable vittles requiring only boiled water (urine isn’t nearly hot enough). BP touts the nutritional additives in its line (a “broad spectrum”) of multivitamins for active types. Portions are generous, and the food is tasty with a capital T, unless you’re a bad speller. The clever BP folks have made the packets non-see-through except for their clear-plastic bottoms, which you can look up to get an idea of the delights to come. The packaging also notes, “may contain traces of … tree nuts” — five bucks if you can tell me what a tree nut is. Titillating grub for the hiking gastronomist and the gassy astronomist alike. Our fav raves from BP include:
• Thai Satay with Beef (9.3 ounces; makes two 12 ounce servings; $8.50): Just Thai me up and spank me, that was so satay-isfying!
• Cajun Salmon Inferno (8.7 ounces; makes two 14 ounce servings; $12.50): Scrumptious! Comes with a real salmon (club to death before eating)!
• Granola with Bananas and Milk (9.5 ounces; makes two 13-ounce servings; $5.70): Whoa! Eat this little beauty in the woods and you’ll swear you’re dining out. www.backpackerspantry.com
Richmoor and Natural High
Richmoor makes a regular kind of travel food under its own name and a line of meals specially for wandering gourmands (under the Natural High label). The hearty Richmoor stuff’s appeal (at least our samples) lies in the fact that an entire meal-for-two comes in a great big plastic bag (after use: a neat child’s toy) and can be quickly grabbed and thrown in a camper, flipped into a canoe, or squeezed through the narrow bars of a prison cell. Our top chomps from Richmoor and Natural High include:
• Richmoor Lunch No. 2 (Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam, Pilot Biscuits, Pineapple Chunks, Lemon-Lime Drink) (23.9 ounces; serves four; $10.45): This meal should be scheduled right after your first lunch and before your third.
• Natural High Granola (6.5 ounces; makes two servings; $3.50): It’s granola and it’s very edible — a remarkable achievement.
• Natural High Fettucine Primavera (4.5 ounces; makes two servings; $6.25): The label says: “Fettucine Primavera with Garden Vegetables & Noodles.” With garden vegetables and noodles?!! Now, that’s real “fettucine primavera” value for money. www.richmoor.com
Pack Lite Foods
One of the things I like about Pack Lite Foods’ products is that, not only do they come in clear plastic sacks so you can see what you’re going to eat (as noted: backcountry food looks pretty untantalizing in the buff), but this food looks okay. It’s colorful (lots of greens and browns), which usually means decent nutrition. Once used, the clear, empty resealable packaging can hold between one and three keys of smack. Our true delights from Pack Lite were:
• Minestrone (3.5 ounces; makes two servings; $3.95): Add a lot of extra water to this super soup, and it’s a top choice if you left your dentures at the trailhead.
• Bountiful Bean and Lentil Chili (4 ounces; makes one serving; $4.25): Uh-oh, looks like it’s going to be a “Dutch-oven-Frusilla” kind of evening. Problem is, I liked this dish enough that it’s looking like a “Dutch-oven-Frusilla” kind of month.
• Potato-Corn Chowder (3.5 ounces; makes two servings; $3.95): Yum! If severely overcooked (the way I do it), can take on an appealing scab-like look; a nice pick for the discerning diner. www.packlitefoods.com
Cache Lake
I cannot stand biscuits and gravy — they always look a bit like, well, chunder. Clearly, the first Cache Lake dish to try. And, I can report, it was absolutely tasteful — even stole Fru’s share (had to kick her in the teeth to get her off the food). Cache Lake’s meals are simple, down-home kinds of numbers — they sound kinda frumpy, like something outta the home economics courses you skipped in middle school. Of a dozen scrumptious samples whipped up in the Test Kitchen, only one got unanimous disapproval (methane release was the problem). Here are three picks we’d never cache in the lake:
• Quick & Tasty Pudding (Vanilla) (4 ounces; makes two servings; $1.95): After a fat bowl (of pudding), you’ll halt those munchies!
• Curried Sweet Potato Latke (6.4 ounces; makes two servings; $3.75): Whoa! Can you say delish? Washed down with a couple of bottles of vodka, there’s no finer dining experience.
• Really Tasty Chicken Stew (5 ounces; makes two servings; $5.75): Excellent! Follow with a puddle-sized helping of moon pie. www.cachelake.com
Action Meals Hot Pack Meals
Action Meals (a Canadian firm) makes a fine range of products, the best being the Hot Pack Meals — self-heating jobbies. A major selling point is the slimness of the product. They can be easily dropped in next to a water bladder, slipped into a motorcycle boot or rammed down a trouser leg. The meals are used by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and you know anything the Mounties are on top of has to be good. Best thing is, you can learn French while eating — each meal comes with the Francophiliac translation on the reverse side of the packaging. Here are three hotties from Action Meals:
• Shepherd’s Delight (9.3 ounces; makes one serving; $6): I’m getting another one of these for when the Ewe Twins come to visit.
• Rotini Bolognese (9.3 ounces; makes one serving; $6): Exceptional! Serving suggestion: Chuck this delightful rotini in a blender and drink it as a warm shake.
• Beef & Vegetable Stew (9.3 ounces; makes one serving; $6): As they say in Quebec, “Ragout de Boeuf et Legumes” (which translates to “this is some very fine sh*t, dood”). www.actionmealsmeals.com
Sedona Trading Company Trail Gourmet Seasonings
These products fall into the “just-in-case" category — just in case your wooden spaghetti needs a splash of flavor, just in case your dog has stopped licking your severed leg clean, just in case it’s a romantic backcountry romp and you forgot your breath mints: Sedona Trading Company makes a selection of seven superb meal seasonings for backcountry food. Salt free and concocted with combinations of common and not-so-common household spices, they come in clear, gelatin tablets of a quarter teaspoon (about the size of a Cialis pill) in small, resealable pouches of 20 ($2.89). Exquisite flavoring! www.sedonatrading.com
Cam Burns will be appearing in a special backcountry food episode of Iron Chef, airing sometime this spring on the Food Channel. Reach him at jonathanhemlock@hotmail.com.
