Dressing the streaker

By Cam Burns

There are two things the British did a poor job of selling to this colony across the pond: tea and cricket. Although tea appears to have gained momentum in recent years, cricket, I suspect, might never catch on — it’s more boring than baseball. When a game can last weeks and fans are prohibited by law to watch televised matches while operating heavy equipment or sharp-pointed metal stuff, you know it lacks verve.

To cure this agonizing drudgery, Commonwealthers the world over have relied for decades upon an activity called streaking to poke up the interest of spectators — and with good results. Cricket, in Commonwealth nations, is now the most popular boring-activity around. Here at the Schmear, we get a lot of interesting stuff across the desk, especially dakkers — ’scuse me, apparel — so this month we decided to chuck some of the latest togs together and “dress the [hypothetical] streaker.”

These days, mountain garb has merged with haute costume and the revolution is highly welcomed. Maybe if we get some better-looking people into streaking and form a union, cricket will catch on in this country — even in the mountains. For now, however, I say we just cover ’em up and see how they run.

[Author's note: This combination of individual pieces of apparel will look like crap when thrown together in a random fashion — don’t attempt this at home.]



Start at the bottom

When dressing our Running Man (or Woman) it’s good to start at the bottom and work your way up … or out. I suggest you start out with a solid foundation — or even a shed. Toolshed Underwear is lively stuff, designed for voluminous quantities of very serious activity and “supreme moisture management.” Made of a poly-lycra/spandex blend, Toolshed grundies ($22–40) come in various lengths and are named in honor of that length (1/2 Shed, 3/4 Shed, Full Shed — even boxers called the Open Shed). Best thing is the funky waistbands, depicting sledgehammers, flames, mudflap girls, and barbed wire. (www.toolshed-usa.com)

Also, check out PolarMAX’s line of smalls: Their new Better Boxer ($25) comes in a range of prints and feels as comfy as a light breeze. The Fashion Police will be making an all-units call if you don’t get your booty into a pair of ’em. (www.polarmax.com)



Long on shorts

Mountain shorts used to consist of either beat-up gym shorts or cut-off khakis belted and cinched as if one were saddling a mule (half my climbing chums used to wear their khakis in permanent-wedgie formation). Today, though, high-tech fabrics and precise designs mean you can buy shorts that both fit and that you can walk in at the same time. Cloudveil makes a couple of great models. The firm’s Dyno Short ($60), for both Streakers and Streakettes, has a very up-town cut and the fabric is a delightfully-soft nylon twill. Remember, they don’t go all the way to the floor; that’s why they’re called shorts. Also, check out the Holster Short ($55); I’ve never been a fan of saddlebag shorts, but the Holster’s side-pockets lie as flat as a lizard drinking. The name, however, comes from the roomy back pockets — big enough for your Glock and several rounds of ammo. (www.cloudveil.com)

Patagonia makes a lot of shorts. I especially like the firm’s Line Up Board Shorts ($52), with their self-draining pockets that let the water — and other stuff — out fast. Great for riding dromaderies; camels have toes too, you know. (www.patagonia.com)

Going out tonight? Then I encourage getting spiffied up in a pair of Royal Robbins Base Camp Pants ($44), made of 8.5 oz. “Billy Goat” canvas which has a lighter and more “active” feel than most canvas pants. These comfy pants let you swing both ways, if you’re so inclined. (www.royalrobbins.com)

The best for the chest

What you wear on yer midriff is the most important statement — unintelligible or otherwise — you can make as an apparel-wearer. I highly urge you to try Marmot’s Tucumcari short sleeve shirt ($45), made of 100 percent cotton and boasting a split at bottom hem that provides ventilation and allows you to be pretty intelligible much of the time. With such a great piece of clothing, the question is: Why’s it called the Tucumcari? (www.marmot.com)

Also, check out Nema’s Tranz jersey ($50), a stylish little number that’ll let you go from fashion eyesore to fashion icon faster than you can say head-shot. Snap-buttons are back from premature death in the mid-1980s and the snug lapel-pocket on the left is great for carrying banned substances. (www.nema-usa.com)

I also like Patagonia’s Tranquillo shirt ($58), mostly because of Patagonia’s website fabric description: “an unpuckered cousin to seersucker, gingham usually has a dumbed-down home, state-fair look, but we sent ours off to design school, then welcomed it back home.” The naked truth is: if you streak, you wanna avoid the puckered look. Go Tranquillo.

For the ladies, I’d say get yourself into Cloudveil’s Cabana tunic ($50), with its very retro styling. Too bad there’s no men’s model; hell, if Derek Zoolander had been wearing this, he woulda kicked Hansel’s butt in the walk-off. And check out Cloudveil’s cool Highball tee (for women and men; $35). The Cloudveil folks know what value for money is — these T-shirts come with sleeves. Finally, Royal Robbins’s Women’s Play Shirts ($44) are highly recommended. Frusilla looks great in this slightly western-cut shirt with classy lines as she chops the firewood and hauls water and milks the cows.

Evenings can be cool in the high country, so a bit more covering is oft-required as part of the Daily Streaker Cycle. Marmot’s Cheat jacket ($75) is a great lightweight option (only 14 ounces!) that fits the bill for warm summer evenings. The flat collar and clean lines give you an edgy, Western flair – a sort of Fabio meets John Wayne look. Marmot’s website calls the inside pocket a “ticket pocket” — now wadding ’em up and tossing ’em in the street ain’t your only option (I could mash in about 20).



The agony of de feet

Worst headline ever — had to use it. Regardless, there are some agonies your feet should never suffer through. Slip on a pair of La Sportiva Raja mountain running shoes ($90) — beefy all-rounders — and you’ll avoid ’em. Capable of hauling you and dem feet to the base of a route or whisking you away from the cops after bumperstickering an SUV. (www.sportiva.com) Or try some Lizard T-One ($95) “year-round moccasins,” casual footwear with waterproof suede and a cool Vibram sole-pattern that really clings to cement and even more tricky-when-wet surfaces. The DriLex lining “makes them extremely comfy, warm, and constantly dry.” (www.aicad.com)

So, there you have it: a few options. Of course, a paper bag is the first thing to consider when cladding an au naturel person, but I recommend a plastic model, just in case.



Cam Burns, MG staff streaker can be reached at

jonathonhemlock@hotmail.com